8 Simple Rules For Fixing the 49ers



Kelly Cuoco was in that show too?

So, the 49ers are now officially the laughing stock of the NFL. Digest that for a moment. After winning their first game, before Jeff Fisher found his LA swag, the Niners have lost the last four games. People say Chip is the problem, others the players in general, some say the GM, some say the Yorks. I say it’s everything and more and I’ve got some suggestions for them on how to fix this once proud franchise. Jed, these instructions are for you:

Rule 1: Kap is going in and Blaine is sitting.

That guy you just watched? He’s done. Hotline Blaine is over and done with. You’re putting in Kap and that’s the end of that. What do you have to lose other than more games? Of QB’s in the league, Gabbert is 3rd in interceptions, the lowest YDS per game amongst QB’s who have played 3 games (178) and is dead among starters in avg. yds per play at 5.9. Hell, I’ll take Kapernick running out the wildcat every play, every game and know that he’d average more than 5.9 yds. The time is now, make the move. Which leads to my next rule:

Rule 2: Have Kaepernick use “Fight The Power” as an entrance theme

NFL: Preseason-San Francisco 49ers at San Diego Chargers

Who doesn’t love a good heel? Kap has that in spades with the people flocking to buy his jersey and chanting for him to go in. Have him enter like Razor Ramon, drive up the excitement that, “Oh yeah, a lot of other fan bases probably hate him.”

Rule 3: Before you go to bed every night, look at Christian Ponder’s Career Stats


Hasn’t played a full season in 4 years. Almost as many picks throw as TD’s. Not an option and don’t believe the media. Great segway to my next rule…

Rule 4: When you hear “Media Reports” it means Trent Baalke is leaking shit


Does this look like a guy that would sabotage the team for his own personal gain? If you said yes, you’re right. If you said that he’s already done that before, you’d be right as well. Anything that sounds like it was supposed to have stayed behind closed doors and gets out, it’s Trent’s fault. Also Trent’s fault?

Rule 5: Do not let yourself or other believe anything out of the mouth of Trent Dilfer


Is he a former Niner? I guess? That’s like saying my grandparents were from the town they retired in. What you gotta realize is that Trent’s stick together and these two probably have sweet nicknames for each other. True story, Trent wanted play calling responsibilities for himself when his son was in high school. Yeah, from the stands.

Rule 6: Trade Chip


You know who loves trades? Chip. You know who would love this idea? Chip.

Just sit him down and say, if you could coach or be head coach anywhere next season, where would it be? Let him rattle off his short list then trade him to the Titans to reunite with Marriota and get a 2nd/3rd round pick or a bonafied veteran with years left. Nobody likes making headlines more with trades than Chip, now let’s put him in his own. Like a choose your own adventure for himself. He’ll be thrilled. You know who’d also be thrilled at the next rule? Glad you asked.

Rule 7: Sign Tebow AND Terrell Owens

Sign one of them and you make a few rumbles, but sign both? Now we’re talking about some real interesting options. Like, all of ESPN at your front door. Coaches wondering, “Does he know something I don’t????” and overthinking it. Sure, you may have people claiming that you’re stuck in GM mode of Madden 2010, but they could come cheap and you know they both want to play….just saying, pair Tebow with Hyde and Kap? That’s a lot of options coming out the backfield and it’s not like there’s anyone really catching passes for the 49ers….how about giving T.O. a come home gift? Call me Crazy? No, that’s Rule 8:

Rule 8: Make Krazy George your Press Secretary

As ludicrous as this sounds, the SJ Earthquakes have used him for years and they’re down the street from you. People tuned in for Jim Tomsula purely for the entertainment value, why don’t we kick it up another notch and bring in the professional? Injury, retirement, concussion….you name it and by the time he’s done with the speech/banging the drum, you’ll be fired up and wondering what else is going on. Pure excitement, never a let down. The man invented the Wave. I think he can spin a press conference.


So there you have it! 8 Simple Rules for changing your franchise, Jed, and although I may not be a fan of your team, plenty of people would like to see you go, so heed my advice and save your gig.


And with that, let’s hit the weekend.

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